Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
robf

Most farcical Norman Smurthwaite situation

Recommended Posts

One of moments that sticks in my memory, though far from his worst offence, was the interview he gave before appointing Bruno. He'd got these 3 outstanding candidates on his short list and everyone would swoon at their quality and be amazed that he'd enticed them here. And he then appoints a Portuguese waiter who, incidentally, has had 5 jobs since leaving us!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Excellent, my bread and butter this. Might go on Mastermind with a specialist subject of 'Norman Smurthwaite being daft and/or stupid, 2013-2019'.

Counting down from 10:

10. His plans to erect a two-storey pub in the corner of the Railway. At a time when the club was on its backside financially, pressure was growing from the fans, Big Norm saw fit to put planning permission in for a mega-pub. Never explained, never justified, just 'am building a big boozer'. Classic Norman.

9. Utilising Twitter to declare that 'Carlos Saleiro will take League 1 by storm', after a comprehensive scouting session involving his YouTube highlights and alledgedly clarifying his agent was Altrincham-based petrol salesman Saide Moussallati. Saleiro played once in the EFL cup, away at Carlisle, looked unfit, and left, promptly retiring at the grand old age of 30, 5 years after playing 40 games in a season for Portuguese powerhouses Sporting Lisbon.

8. Stating, confidently, to a packed room of angry Valiants, that he was going to take 'Port Vale back into League 1'. Gone within 18 months, having nearly liquidated and relegated us.

7. Begging Micky Adams to help him run a football club, whilst simultaneously refusing to give Adams a contract extension. On his knees, pleading "Micky, I don't know what I'm doing".

6. Accused of planning to sack Rob Page, live on BT Sports, if the Vale lost to Maidenhead, like some sort of tinpot Walrus-like Alan Sugar.

5. Telling Carol Shanahan to 'go back to her day job', via a gramatically poor text, as she offered to overpay ludicrously to keep Port Vale, and by extension Burslem, alive.

4. Banned the Sentinel from reporting on Vale games, and fell out with the local Police over paying Police bills.

3. Getting slaughtered on Rioja and allegedly being conned by some tinpot agent, putting on a bad Portuguese accent, that Jose Mourinho was on the line, urging him to appoint his mate Bruno Ribeiro as manager of Port Vale. Mourinho promised Norman friendlies and loan players from his other affiliates. A petrol salesman brings a van of 'professional footballers' from across the continent, and Norman puts them up in his own properties. A United Under-17 side showed up for a friendly, and not a crumb of loanee made their way to Vale Park. Norman later claimed he had been 'hoodwinked', in the first use of that term since the 19th century. Two players survived the season; one ending up in hospital, and the other booted out of the door within 10 games of the next season starting.

2. MR BLACK AND GOLD, MARK PORTER; YOU HAVE GOT YOUR WISH! FIND YOURSELF A BUYER. Absolutely superb meltdown, surpassing Keegan's 'I would love it' shambles, Norman rang the radio, on the verge of tears, voice quivering, as he announced he fancied letting the club go bust, and this was due to Black and Gold revealing his plans to do so the week before. The ever-so-clever, Machiavellian Mastermind had intended on doing it on the quiet, but accidentally informed half of B&G, the Supporters Club, and North London Valiants, prompting him to rationally and concisely explain that he held the cards here, and he was in charge.

1. Getting 'run over' (I use the term as loosely as I possibly can. The car came off worse) by a car, the night before the first planned protest, directly outside the premises of the business who wanted to buy the club, before ringing the club's media man to inform him of the accident. What he'd been doing, late at night in Burslem on a Friday, despite him professing to spend minimal time at the club, and him living in Leicestershire, has never been ascertained.

 

There's so many more high points; his quest to sign a big-money striker in the guise of Achille Campion and JJ Hooper (Rob, I've found you your striker), his very intelligent manipulation of the budget in order to force Rob Page to leave so Operation I've Been Hoodwinked could be enacted, the fact that Tony Fradley will forever be a part of this club's history as a one-time club chairman (UPTHEVALE4EVA, IN CAPITALS, PUT IT ON YER WHATSAPPS, PUT IT ON YER SNAPCHATS, I'VE EVEN PUT IT ON ME LETTERS!), getting absoluted nailed in the Crown post-promotion when we all thought he was alright, the Jimmy Floyd debacle, the Texas Consortium, inventing a Hong Kong Consortium and pretending to fly over there to strike a deal as opposed to his actual destinaiton of the Iberian Peninsula, and several other events which I can't bring up but hopefully, with the passage of time, can be released.

As a 23 year old now, Norman Smurthwaite oversaw the pivotal, formative years of my life, bumbling from crisis to crisis, always entertaining, often loathsome, perpetually an absolute p*ssser.

Cheers Norm. I'll open a Sweetie Jar in your memory.

Edited by Joe B
  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, TJHValiant said:

Perhaps the most worrying Smurfwaite scam of them all is the fact he is still owed payment for the sale of the club. With the Corona issue that money may just have come harder to come by.

 

No Robbie Gig, No match income, Synetics income hit...

 

No. The money for that is set aside. They said that on day one.

  • Thanks 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, TheSage said:

One of moments that sticks in my memory, though far from his worst offence, was the interview he gave before appointing Bruno. He'd got these 3 outstanding candidates on his short list and everyone would swoon at their quality and be amazed that he'd enticed them here. And he then appoints a Portuguese waiter who, incidentally, has had 5 jobs since leaving us!

One of them was a manager of some Indian team, and another was a washed-up, foreign ex-pro. Can't remember which one. Along the lines of Igor Biscan, but worse.

Think after Aspin left we nearly appointed a manager from like the 9th tier of football. Can't remember his name. His team began with an S, I think.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Steve Berr of stalybridge Celtic maybe?

His names filled me with dread on more than one occasion when we've had our "links" shown in the media

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
53 minutes ago, Joe B said:

Excellent, my bread and butter this. Might go on Mastermind with a specialist subject of 'Norman Smurthwaite being daft and/or stupid, 2013-2019'.

Counting down from 10:

10. His plans to erect a two-storey pub in the corner of the Railway. At a time when the club was on its backside financially, pressure was growing from the fans, Big Norm saw fit to put planning permission in for a mega-pub. Never explained, never justified, just 'am building a big boozer'. Classic Norman.

9. Utilising Twitter to declare that 'Carlos Saleiro will take League 1 by storm', after a comprehensive scouting session involving his YouTube highlights and alledgedly clarifying his agent was Altrincham-based petrol salesman Saide Moussallati. Saleiro played once in the EFL cup, away at Carlisle, looked unfit, and left, promptly retiring at the grand old age of 30, 5 years after playing 40 games in a season for Portuguese powerhouses Sporting Lisbon.

8. Stating, confidently, to a packed room of angry Valiants, that he was going to take 'Port Vale back into League 1'. Gone within 18 months, having nearly liquidated and relegated us.

7. Begging Micky Adams to help him run a football club, whilst simultaneously refusing to give Adams a contract extension. On his knees, pleading "Micky, I don't know what I'm doing".

6. Accused of planning to sack Rob Page, live on BT Sports, if the Vale lost to Maidenhead, like some sort of tinpot Walrus-like Alan Sugar.

5. Telling Carol Shanahan to 'go back to her day job', via a gramatically poor text, as she offered to overpay ludicrously to keep Port Vale, and by extension Burslem, alive.

4. Banned the Sentinel from reporting on Vale games, and fell out with the local Police over paying Police bills.

3. Getting slaughtered on Rioja and allegedly being conned by some tinpot agent, putting on a bad Portuguese accent, that Jose Mourinho was on the line, urging him to appoint his mate Bruno Ribeiro as manager of Port Vale. Mourinho promised Norman friendlies and loan players from his other affiliates. A petrol salesman brings a van of 'professional footballers' from across the continent, and Norman puts them up in his own properties. A United Under-17 side showed up for a friendly, and not a crumb of loanee made their way to Vale Park. Norman later claimed he had been 'hoodwinked', in the first use of that term since the 19th century. Two players survived the season; one ending up in hospital, and the other booted out of the door within 10 games of the next season starting.

2. MR BLACK AND GOLD, MARK PORTER; YOU HAVE GOT YOUR WISH! FIND YOURSELF A BUYER. Absolutely superb meltdown, surpassing Keegan's 'I would love it' shambles, Norman rang the radio, on the verge of tears, voice quivering, as he announced he fancied letting the club go bust, and this was due to Black and Gold revealing his plans to do so the week before. The ever-so-clever, Machiavellian Mastermind had intended on doing it on the quiet, but accidentally informed half of B&G, the Supporters Club, and North London Valiants, prompting him to rationally and concisely explain that he held the cards here, and he was in charge.

1. Getting 'run over' (I use the term as loosely as I possibly can. The car came off worse) by a car, the night before the first planned protest, directly outside the premises of the business who wanted to buy the club, before ringing the club's media man to inform him of the accident. What he'd been doing, late at night in Burslem on a Friday, despite him professing to spend minimal time at the club, and him living in Leicestershire, has never been ascertained.

 

There's so many more high points; his quest to sign a big-money striker in the guise of Achille Campion and JJ Hooper (Rob, I've found you your striker), his very intelligent manipulation of the budget in order to force Rob Page to leave so Operation I've Been Hoodwinked could be enacted, the fact that Tony Fradley will forever be a part of this club's history as a one-time club chairman (UPTHEVALE4EVA, IN CAPITALS, PUT IT ON YER WHATSAPPS, PUT IT ON YER SNAPCHATS, I'VE EVEN PUT IT ON ME LETTERS!), getting absoluted nailed in the Crown post-promotion when we all thought he was alright, the Jimmy Floyd debacle, the Texas Consortium, inventing a Hong Kong Consortium and pretending to fly over there to strike a deal as opposed to his actual destinaiton of the Iberian Peninsula, and several other events which I can't bring up but hopefully, with the passage of time, can be released.

As a 23 year old now, Norman Smurthwaite oversaw the pivotal, formative years of my life, bumbling from crisis to crisis, always entertaining, often loathsome, perpetually an absolute p*ssser.

Cheers Norm. I'll open a Sweetie Jar in your memory.

Apart from that, he wasn’t too bad.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, TJHValiant said:

Perhaps the most worrying Smurfwaite scam of them all is the fact he is still owed payment for the sale of the club. With the Corona issue that money may just have come harder to come by.

 

No Robbie Gig, No match income, Synetics income hit...

 

I would say given the work they do, the push towards data being shared via online platforms as more and more people work from home, and the need for additional security..... that Synectics will do just fine.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Iron Curtain said:

I would say given the work they do, the push towards data being shared via online platforms as more and more people work from home, and the need for additional security..... that Synectics will do just fine.

I hope so. To be fair those are good points. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

IS ANYBODY REALLY INTERESTED IN THE  FAT B********* ANYMORE? WIPE HIM FROM YOUR BRAIN! SUPPORT KEVIN AN CAROL ALL HAIL!!!!!

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, geoff1 said:

IS ANYBODY REALLY INTERESTED IN THE  FAT B********* ANYMORE? WIPE HIM FROM YOUR BRAIN! SUPPORT KEVIN AN CAROL ALL HAIL!!!!!

I would suggest many people would be interested in him if he appeared in the bankruptcy court..... so interested in his failures probably.

  • Confused 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, geoff1 said:

IS ANYBODY REALLY INTERESTED IN THE  FAT B********* ANYMORE? WIPE HIM FROM YOUR BRAIN! SUPPORT KEVIN AN CAROL ALL HAIL!!!!!

I couldn't deprive myself of so many years of comedy

  • Confused 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
23 hours ago, geosname said:

I would suggest many people would be interested in him if he appeared in the bankruptcy court..... so interested in his failures probably.

I I WOULD SUGGEST THERAPY!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, geoff1 said:

I I WOULD SUGGEST THERAPY!

I would suggest a swift kick in the nuts..... oh sorry I thought you were talking about Smurf......😊

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Imagine getting 'run over' by a car driven out out of the Synectics gate by a Synectics employee at 2mph. Imagine further that it was captured by a CCTV camera you didn't know was there. Imagine even further that you told the first Police officer on scene that you couldn't feel your legs.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 25/03/2020 at 16:45, geoff1 said:

I I WOULD SUGGEST THERAPY!

Typing in capitals?  I know someone else who did that!!

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 24/03/2020 at 12:44, Joe B said:

One of them was a manager of some Indian team, and another was a washed-up, foreign ex-pro. Can't remember which one. Along the lines of Igor Biscan, but worse.

Think after Aspin left we nearly appointed a manager from like the 9th tier of football. Can't remember his name. His team began with an S, I think.

Mixu Paatelainen 😀 

On the JJ Hooper signing, I'm sure we had the choice of Omar Bogle or Hooper. He couldn't half pick a player.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  



×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use and Privacy Policy