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Joke thread


Jacko51

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JOHNNY May Become My New Favourite!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!”After a few seconds, Little JOHNNY stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you're stupid, JOHNNY?”

“No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

 

JOHNNY watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What's the matter”, asked JOHNNY “Giving up?”

 

The math teacher saw that JOHNNY wasn't paying attention in class.She called on him and said, “JOHNNY! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”

JOHNNY quickly replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”

 

JOHNNY's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

“Yes” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”

JOHNNY asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?”

 

Little JOHNNY attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, JOHNNY asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”

His father replied, “Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”

JOHNNY, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mum.”

 

 

 


 


 

 

 

 

 

 

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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake  
He finds his way to a  bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.  
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. 

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy,  I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

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Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,

"Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."

 

* * * * * * * * * *

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"
 

* * * * * * * * * *

A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess

where they were going..... the driver won £52!

 

* * * * * * * * * *

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says “Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin? 
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"
 

* * * * * * * * * *  

Joe says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
 

* * * * * * * * * *  

Mick walks into Paddy’s barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, “Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

 

* * * * * * * * * *

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they’re going to drill for their own oil  

 

* * * * * * *** * * * * 
 
Paddy says to Mick - I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

* * * * * * * * * *  

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

* * * * * * * * * *

 

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

 




 

 

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A woman is at home alone when she hears someone knock at the door. When she opens the door there's a man standing there. He asks her, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and It is the same man and he asks the same question of the Woman, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she Tells him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells the wife in a loving and Concerned voice,' Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be Home just in case this guy shows up again.'  

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a Whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind The door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to Answer yes to the question because I want to see where the Bastard is going with it.' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. 

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and Asks the same question; 'Do you have a vagina'?

'Yes, actually I have,' she says.

The man replies .. . .. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to Leave my wife's alone.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 5 weeks later...

A friend of mine was in Margate on Thursday, she told me she saw some horrific sights and appalling behaviour. She saw a man and woman arguing in front of a load of kids then she smacked him one on the head and it really kicked off between them, eventually the police arrived and a policeman pulled out his truncheon and waded in, smacking the man round the head. The man actually managed to get the truncheon off the policeman and started to hit both the policeman and the woman with it. Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages.

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