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Joke thread


Jacko51

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why was the shovel such a special invention?
because it was groundbreaking...

dad i've got a new remote control,
this changes everything...

if you need anyone to build a ark,
i noah guy...

paddy theres insects all over the place,
mick i know it really bug's me...

paddy- one of the officers from when i was in the army, was really good with tools,
mick- was he a drill sergeant...
 

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Screams of passion

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.

The Italian said:

"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin Olive oil.

Then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman said:

"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special Aphrodisiac oil from Provence and

then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Aussie said:

That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, all over her body with a special butter.

I caressed her entire body with the butter and then made love and I made her scream for two

long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? ......Wow!

That's phenomenal. How did you do it, to make her scream for two hours?"

 

The Aussie replied, "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

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The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

 

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee (n): The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj): Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate (v): To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v): To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, (adj): Impotent.

6. Negligent, (adj): Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown

7. Lymph, (v): To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n): Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n): Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n): A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n): A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n): The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n): A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n): A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n): The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n): An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

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  • 3 weeks later...
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  • 2 weeks later...

Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’ store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn'’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

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  • 1 month later...
  • 2 months later...
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  • 2 weeks later...

I hired a stretch Limo last week, the guy delivered it to my house then started walking off.

iI said “hang on arnt you going to drive it”, he replied the price doesn’t include a driver.

so  you’re telling me I’ve spent £500 quid on a limo and have nothing to show for it.

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