Jump to content

Joke thread

Recommended Posts

Since being in isolation, i've heard my Polish neighbours having sex everyday.

It isn't easy. 

I have to turn the telly right down and unplug the fridge

  • Haha 1

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites
18 minutes ago, Gungho_ED said:

Since being in isolation, i've heard my Polish neighbours having sex everyday.

It isn't easy. 

I have to turn the telly right down and unplug the fridge

They are most making golabki on the table.... the bed.... the floor..... on top of the wardrobe

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Anyone wishing to show their appreciation for Amazon delivery drivers are asked to clap at their homes tomorrow anytime between 9am and 6pm.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guy goes down the canteen, opens his butty box and takes a bite out of his butty, WTF, yuck, yuck he shouted. He calls his wife and asks, "What's on the sandwiches dearest",  "Crab paste" comes the reply, "Where did you get it from", "The chemist" came the answer.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” asked the man.

“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.” So the man goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”

“Liverpool,” replies the Memory Man.

“Who did they beat?”

“Leeds,” was the reply.

“And the score?”


“Who scored the winning goal?”

“Ian St. John,” was the old man’s reply.

The tourist was bowled over by this and told everyone back home in England about the Memory Man when he returned.

A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. 

Because he was so impressed, man decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting “How”.

The Memory Man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box!!

  • Like 1
  • Haha 2

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Tramp finds a pair of trainers. Bumps into a prostitute. And offers the trainers in return for sex. She says "okay, but you won't get any passion for that". "Okay" he says.

But then she spreads her legs. Moaning and groaning. "I thought I got no passion" says he.

They don't ucking  fit said the good lady.

Edited by toyahw

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.

The Italian said:

"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin Olive oil.

Then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman said:

"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special Aphrodisiac oil from Provence and

then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Aussie said:

That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, all over her body with a special butter.

I caressed her entire body with the butter and then made love and I made her scream for two

long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? ......Wow!

That's phenomenal. How did you do it, to make her scream for two hours?"


The Aussie replied, "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee (n): The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj): Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate (v): To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v): To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, (adj): Impotent.

6. Negligent, (adj): Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown

7. Lymph, (v): To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n): Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n): Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n): A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n): A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n): The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n): A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n): A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n): The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n): An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Test Results

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Sanderson, please."
"Mrs. Sanderson, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanderson arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanderson asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanderson.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The MEDICARE Help Desk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."


Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites





JOHNNY May Become My New Favourite!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!”After a few seconds, Little JOHNNY stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you're stupid, JOHNNY?”

“No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”


JOHNNY watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What's the matter”, asked JOHNNY “Giving up?”


The math teacher saw that JOHNNY wasn't paying attention in class.She called on him and said, “JOHNNY! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”

JOHNNY quickly replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”


JOHNNY's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

“Yes” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”

JOHNNY asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?”


Little JOHNNY attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, JOHNNY asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”

His father replied, “Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”

JOHNNY, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mum.”











  • Like 1

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake  
He finds his way to a  bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.  
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. 

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy,  I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,

"Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."


* * * * * * * * * *

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

* * * * * * * * * *

A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess

where they were going..... the driver won £52!


* * * * * * * * * *

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says “Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin? 
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"

* * * * * * * * * *  

Joe says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

* * * * * * * * * *  

Mick walks into Paddy’s barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, “Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."


* * * * * * * * * *

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they’re going to drill for their own oil  


* * * * * * *** * * * * 
Paddy says to Mick - I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

* * * * * * * * * *  

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

* * * * * * * * * *


Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."




Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

A woman is at home alone when she hears someone knock at the door. When she opens the door there's a man standing there. He asks her, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and It is the same man and he asks the same question of the Woman, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she Tells him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells the wife in a loving and Concerned voice,' Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be Home just in case this guy shows up again.'  

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a Whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind The door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to Answer yes to the question because I want to see where the Bastard is going with it.' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. 

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and Asks the same question; 'Do you have a vagina'?

'Yes, actually I have,' she says.

The man replies .. . .. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to Leave my wife's alone.

  • Like 1

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

You're doing a sterling service Geo! But I still prefer Jacko's joke.  I hadn't heard that one before. RIP Clement Freud.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use and Privacy Policy