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This one is for the ladies.

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the
morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husbands condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!  It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg, he's dead.

What'd you buy?"

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a young lady got onto a bus in stoke yesterday with her 6 month old baby in arms. she took her seat and it wasnt long before  a scruffy lardhead wearing a stoke <ovf censored> shirt sat next to her and started verbally abusing her. "thats the most ugly baby ive ever seen" he says, "i bet when it was born, the midwife slapped you!"" its so ugly", at this the the girl broke down in tears. the bus driver stooped the bus and went up to her," thats uncalled for" hesaid, " i tell you what, go have it out with him as he gets off the bus,-😂 ill hold the monkey for you".

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A bloke is in a butcher's shop being served by a comely young lady, and asks her how old she is.

"I'm 22 years old" she says.

"How old d'you think I am luv?" he says.

"About 39?" she says.

"No luv, I'm 56 me, I look after meself, do weights, go jogging - but thank for the compliment"


The bloke leaves, feeling a bit full of himself, and goes to wait for a bus home at the bus stop.  After a couple of minutes, a lady comes up to wait next to him and says "I'm 70 today, and I'm going home to a lovely birthday party my family neighbours are throwing for me"


"That's nice luv" says the bloke, "so how old d'you think I am?" 

"Well" the old lady says "if you let me put my hand down your trousers, I can tell you exactly to the year how old you are".

"Give over" say the bloke "I bet you can't"

"Well there's only one way to find out" says the old lady.

"Go on then" says the bloke.

So the old lady reaches down the front of his trousers and has a rummage around for a couple of minutes, then says "You're 56 years old you are"

"Blimey" says the bloke "that's a real gift you've got there, you're exactly right!"

"Not really" says the old lady" I was just standing behind you in the queue at the butchers"



That's for you Des O'Connor...

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