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Joke thread


Jacko51

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Its the morning of Christmas day and a guy is really miserable , whats wrong said his wife. I have a major problem and I dont know what to do. His wife said , we have known each other for 15 years and been married for 10 . A problem shared is a problem halved , If you have a problem then we have a problem. So what is our problem.

We got your sister pregnant.

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15 hours ago, NEV said:

reading these jokes made me very happy been stuck in the house for a while sick of all the bad news so thank you all for the jokes :thankssign:

Hoping that 2021 is good for you Nev. Keep your chin up. Here's one for you.

When I was at School, the teacher said "The letter of the week is N, so tell me, Norfolk Enclue, what aren't you very good at that begins with N ?"

I said "Spelling"

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I was walking in Town today and a bloke came up to me and said " I'm going to attack you with the neck of my guitar". I said " Is that a fret?"

Walking on, I looked in the window of a second hand electronics shop. There was a sign saying " Television for sale £1, volume stuck on maximum". I thought I can't turn that down. 

Going back to the car, a Policeman approached me with a pencil and a large sheet of thin paper. He said "I want you to trace someone for me"

 

Probably the bloke with the guitar. 

 

 

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A little old lady goes into a fishmonger's one day.

"I'll have a nice piece of cod, please."

"Sorry, madam, we have no cod today.  Could I interest you in some haddock?"

"No thank you.  I'll have a nice piece of cod, please."

"We have no cod, madam.  Some hake, possibly?"

"No. Cod is what I'll have."

"Madam, we have no cod spelt C-f-o-d."

"But there is no "f" in cod."

"That's what I've just been trying to tell you, madam."

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It's been a tough year for most, especially my Uncle Jack and Auntie Marge. About a month before Uncle Jack died we covered his back with lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.

Now Auntie Marge has been ill for so long that we've started to call her " I can't believe she's not better"

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A bloke runs into a pub, and says to the barman "do you do cashback?" the barman says "yes sir we do"

"then give us the 50 quid i spent last night, the wifes gone apeshit"...

 

sorry, about these i'll have to get out more, oh i can't can i...

 

 

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