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Jacko51

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Well, if we're going down the smutty route.

The teacher asked little Johnny if he could use the word contagious in a sentence.

Yes, said, little Johnny. Yesterday I heard from dad say to my mum, "That bloke next door is painting his house with a two inch paintbrush. It will take the contagious."

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Doing the rounds...

Dr : You have tested positive for corona virus. You have two options. a) Isolate at home with the wife and kids....

Patient: I'll take b)

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The biggest lie I tell myself is " I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
> 
> I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
> 
> If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
> 
> Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

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8:00 - I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

 8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

 8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

 8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

 8:22 - The transgender man..woman...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

 8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose,as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

 8:28 - I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

 8:31 - The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa.

 8:40 - The Police arrive saying someone has been offended.

 8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

 8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

 8:45 - TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

 9:00 - I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic, sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

 9:10 - I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.

 9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.

 

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just a view of the world in which we live today

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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone
has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in
Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"  

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8 hours ago, geosname said:

8:00 - I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

 8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

 8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

 8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

 8:22 - The transgender man..woman...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

 8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose,as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

 8:28 - I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

 8:31 - The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa.

 8:40 - The Police arrive saying someone has been offended.

 8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

 8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

 8:45 - TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

 9:00 - I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic, sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

 9:10 - I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.

 9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.

 

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just a view of the world in which we live today

With Birdy at the front

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an American, an Irishman, a scotsman and an Englishman were standing on the viewing platform of the empire state building. the American challenged the others to do what he could do, jump off the building, jump from cloud to cloud then return to the building.he did this and then challenged the scotsman to try it. the scotsman jumped and plummeted down onto the pavement below killig him. the Englishman thencame forward saying  "im English, we can do anything and more than .you yanks" with that he jumped and like the scotsman fell to his death. the Irishman turned to the American and said "  you know sometimes superman you can be a right bastard"!

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Washing my hands made me realise what a marvellous man made material skin is.

It's covered my body for many decades and never let water in once.

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I'm missing football so much during this lock down, i've now started dividing my day into 2 halves.

First half Caffeine. Second half Alcohol.

There are no other rules.

 

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33 minutes ago, Gungho_ED said:

I'm missing football so much during this lock down, i've now started dividing my day into 2 halves.

First half Caffeine. Second half Alcohol.

There are no other rules.

 

Boring 1st half then mate, lol

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48 minutes ago, Gungho_ED said:

I'm missing football so much during this lock down, i've now started dividing my day into 2 halves.

First half Caffeine. Second half Alcohol.

There are no other rules.

 

Irish coffee at half time?

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1 hour ago, Gungho_ED said:

I'm missing football so much during this lock down, i've now started dividing my day into 2 halves.

First half Caffeine. Second half Alcohol.

There are no other rules.

 

I pretend I'm a player/manager. I quite often pull myself off at half time. 

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The wife and I were sitting at home and I kept flicking the tv channel over.

snooker,

porn,

snooker,

porn,

snooker,

porn, 

snooker,

When she shouted, just leave the bloody porn on, you know how to play snooker

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4 hours ago, Playa Amodores said:

The wife and I were sitting at home and I kept flicking the tv channel over.

snooker,

porn,

snooker,

porn,

snooker,

porn, 

snooker,

When she shouted, just leave the bloody porn on, you know how to play snooker

It's Davis. He's got the choice. Pink or brown.  He's going for the brown.

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