G'day Tim Foyel

Exiled Valiant Barry Edge lives in Perth, Western Australia. In his latest missive from ‘Downunder you’ll find a string of delicious twists of irony – all in the name of sharing a little humour of course.

G’day Tim Foyel
G’day Tim. It is Tim isn’t it? Good. Right, let me just begin by saying we’re here to help you. Yep, that’s right, the Lorne Street, Bycars and Paddock Coaching staff are here free gratis to support you in your endeavour to deliver on the pitch. So be quiet and pay attention.

What’s that? Your name’s Martin. Yea right, whatever. Look, just listen will you and we’ll quickly get to the heart of the matter.

For starters there’s a collective disbelief with some of your tactics. Personally speaking it seems to me that had you been around the ‘Club longer and played a few games at league level, say 356 for arguments sake, then you would know a few things about defending vis-à-vis attacking. Mind you, I must admit that some of the so-called ‘Coaches’ in the Bycars spend too much time in the loo to really know which end is up. But that’s just between me and you.

What! You have played for Port Vale at league level. Okay, if you say so. But just sit and listen will you.

Okay, we’ve started off reasonably well and put away a few goals. But you know what? I yearn for a return of the days when all the forwards scored at least once in every three games. Now in the case of a player notching up a career high of 356 games, as I’ve just mentioned, that would equate to 107 goals. Impressive eh?

Say what! You did score one goal in every three games. Yea, sure. Please pay attention when I’m talking to you.

Where was I? Oh yes. It’s very important that you have the respect of the ‘Lads. For me that means your ‘shingle’ should spell out your credibility as a player who has achieved at league level. Such as: scoring 107 goals – which would make you Port Vale’s equal second highest scorer; or being our ‘Club’s leading goal scorer in three different seasons. Mind you, and again just between me and you, some of the so-called ‘Coaches’ in the Paddock don’t even respect their own waistlines because they’re always traipsing to the pie stand.

Anyway, that’s neither here nor there.

Say that again! You are your ‘Club’s second highest scorer and…look, stop interrupting or I’m going to lose my chain of thought.

Listen, if you go to the history pages of onevalefan you’ll find that one of our legends was voted player of the year on two occasions and was a member of the winning team in the Autoglass Trophy. He even scored F.A. Cup goals against Liverpool and Stoke. Yes, Stoke City if you don’t mind. Now, with a pedigree like that you’d be in the box seat to manage Port Vale FC. Talking about box seats, there are some so-called ‘Coaches’ in the Lorne Street Stand that wouldn’t give you the time of day no matter how brilliant a footballer you are – or were. Again, that’s between me and you.

Huh! Your name isn’t Tim. It’s what? Martin! Goodness me, of course your name’s Tim. Look, if you don’t know your own name, then how can you expect to manage a football team? Words fail me, they really do. Listen I’m nearly done, so bear with me.

To be one step ahead of the rest you’ve got to have more clues than an Oxford dictionary. Add to that a chequered history as a player and a stint in coaching and training the youth team then maybe, just maybe you’ll make a decent manager. Then and only then will you be able to come to terms with small playing lists, little or no money to spend on new signings or loan players, plus an understanding of the training track and dressing room dynamics – including injuries impacting on selections.

What! Don’t you tell me to zip my lip or I’ll…pardon me, your name really is Martin, not Tim and your family name is most definitely spelt F O Y L E, not F O Y E L. Oh right, yes, well, err, I see. Oops.

Hey, what the hell would I know about football, I’m just a relic from the Hamil Road End. But let me just finish by saying that you and V2001 are doing a fantastic job keeping our beloved Port Vale safe and sound.

By the way Tim – sorry, Martin – Glenn and the others don’t have to know about this conversation – do they?

See you later…

Barry Edge
Western Australia
September 3, 2004

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