It’s all been a little too much for Barry – the latest news from Lapland that is. But all’s well that ends well.
Yes I know, it all started out as a bit of fun. But then one of the silly sods higher up thought it would be a good idea to use the, erm, sentiment on our ‘Corporate greeting card.
Here’s what it says:
Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all.
Additionally, a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed, colour, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes.
(Disclaimer: this greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal; it implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)
As Ernie Entwhistle’s dad would say ‘Daft I calls it’.
Still, I can cope with all this political correct nonsense because I will be celebrating Christmas as I did when a boy living in Bucknall: early morning opening of presents; light breakfast; sumptuous lunch; afternoon nap; evening meal – with the relatives coming and going Christmas night.
Or will I? And will I cope?
I’m sorry folks, right now I can’t get into this ‘Have a top Christmas’ thingy because I’m too traumatised by the news just in from Lapland’s National Parks Department.
Listen, if what they say is true then all those Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer songs about racing through the skies with Blitzen and Co are all lies and reveal Santa to be nothing more than one huge charlatan.
Don’t go away folks, I’m just going to take a long sip, no, a big gulp of Chianti.
Ahhh, that’s better.
Right, where was I? Oh yes, Rudolph Reindeer.
I’ve got to tell you folks the news just in leaves me absolutely gob-smacked. It seems that the male reindeer drop their horns around this time of the year: only the females hang on to theirs (cue Karl for a touch of innuendo).
Well, where does this leave us? And what will it do for that famous song about Rudolph and his mates dashing through the snow?
More to the point: does this mean it has always been a bunch of girls dressed up in panto gear pulling Santa around the world dropping prezzies down peoples’ chimneys? Is Santa just another woman with a very deep voice? And who is Mrs Clause? Is she Germaine Greer in a clever disguise? More disturbingly to contemplate – are those little people that help Santa just a bunch of fairies?
What next? The Easter Bunny isn’t real?!
I’m sorry folks, I can’t go on anymore. It’s all too distressing (sob, sob).
(rushes to the the bottle of Chianti?)
(Several gulps of the beautiful liquid later…)
Right, that’s it, I’m not having any more of this political humbug stuff, and who cares whether it’s a bunch of girls dressed in panto using boys’ names. As long as I get my prezzie all will be forgiven.
So, my dear friends…
…here’s wishing each and every one of you a very Merry Christmas and prosperous New Year. Be safe. Be well. Be happy.
Oh, and three points to our beloved ‘Club on Boxing Day please Mr, erm, Mrs Clause – whoever you are.
See you later…