Pubs, Porn and Plastic Willies

Pubs, Porn and Plastic Willies

Barry tells us he fell over laughing when he first read Scarthy’s report card following that March day out in Crewe. Further, that it prompted him to think along the lines of ‘nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more, y’know what I mean, y’know what I mean, hey, hey, what, what?’ For Barry it was one ovf post simply too irresistible to ignore. So, ‘dear friends’, read on and make up your own minds.

This verse is in two parts. The first being Scathy’s story…lol. The second being a response from Aussie Rules for and on behalf of Burslem Babe, GVB, Trent Vale Chris and Mike Bycars.

***

Pubs, Porn and Plastic Willies

Now look, dear friends, it’s this way right –
We had a drink or two
In the Brunswick, on the Nantwich Road,
The day we went to Crewe.

There was me and Gorgeous Vale Bird
Plus Trent Vale Chris as well
Along with Coop and Sage
And Burslem Babe la Belle.

The Brunswick’s fair to middling
Worth seven out of ten,
But the barmaid upset Burslem Babe
By serving just the men.

Then it was time to make our move
To the next pub down the track
Past a row of terraced houses
And a strange building in the back.

The frontage of that building
Said it was a ‘Private Shop’
Selling a range of football fanzines
Plus ‘Bud’ a quid a pop.

The signs were hard to read in parts
But to Sage and me ‘twas clear,
We could spend some quiet time browsing
Whilst sipping cheap bottles of beer.

Curious to the last, dear friends,
We entered through its door
To find the ‘zines and videos
Had a very different score.

‘Tis true, as Sage will testify,
That it caused our minds to flip
When seeing that TV footage
Of Dora with her Dick.

To say that we were shocked
At their naughtiness and frillies
Was nothing to our abject horror
When seeing those plastic willies.

There were lots of middle-aged men,
Their collars all turned up,
Buying various ‘sexy whatsits’
And other dubious stuff.

Look, it really is the truth!
And Sage will tell you too
That this is not a place, dear friends,
For the likes of me and you.

For those of you who choose
To joke and poke some fun,
Spare a thought for Sage and me
And the damage it has done.

Oh, and one last word, dear friends,
Before we take our leave,
Disregard what others say
For it’s us you must believe.

***

Dear Jonathan and Sage,
That really is some tale
Of the day you went to choo-choo land
To watch the ‘Mighty Vale’.

But listen – there are doubters,
Like our lovely Burslem Babe,
But she will say she’s sorry
When your oath is duly made.

It seems she’s not convinced
That you didn’t see those signs
Inviting male persons
To ease their filthy minds.

She questions that you bothered
To take a closer look,
Then says you should behave
Like that nice young Mister Coop.

Next the Gorgeous Vale Bird
Says it really is a shame
When a young lad gets excited
And his manhood suffers pain.

Now ‘Bycars was annoyed
That you kept him in the dark
By not revealing all to him
About your little lark.

There is no doubt in his mind,
Had he known the truth of it,
Would have moved away from both of you
And found elsewhere to sit.

Trent Vale Chris then says to us
That the small sign he did spy
With the words ‘Free Sex’ emboldened
Was clear to the naked eye.

But earlier in the day
Says you were in and out
Of that shop in ninety seconds,
That you’ll deny, no doubt.

So tell us Scarth and Sage
Is it really true
That you suffered all those traumas
The day you went to Crewe?

Barry Edge
Western Australia
June 7, 2003

🙂

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