Fifteen Pints and a Pastie

Fifteen Pints and a Pastie

Barry says the onevalefan ‘Forum is a veritable feast for all things poetry. His latest stars Tosh and Uncle Bede and the day they saw the ‘Lads beat Notts County at Meadow Lane.


It’s 1.13pm 25th April 2004 and Tosh is telling onevalefan that he and Bede had a fantastic day out yesterday. Further, that having managed to attend all the away games so far this season yesterday was the best of them all.

For those who were not born in the Potteries, or familiar with the district’s dialect, I should explain in general terms one or two expressions used in the following verse: the first being ‘scoop’ meaning a pint of beer; ‘nosh’ means food; traipsing means walking; and ‘to empty one’s clog’ means to go to the toilet.

Fifteen Pints and a Pastie

They went across to Nottingham; they’d travelled there by train,
They’d gone to see the ‘Lads who’d gone to Meadow Lane,
Arriving five-to-ten they took a gentle stroll
And minutes from the station they found a watering hole.

Yes, Weatherspoons’ were open, according to our Tosh,
So they thought they’d grab a scoop and a plate of breakfast nosh,
But when they asked ‘Mine Host’ the menu to peruse
Were told to wait an hour if food they wish to choose.

Then after several moments a wit was heard to say
‘Eating on an empty tum’s no way to start the day’,
Both Bede and Tosh agreed, it was music to their ears,
So they lingered and enjoyed the first of many beers.

But by eleven o’clock their need for food was gone.
They were three pints to the good, so they simply carried on,
Then on the stroke of two they headed into to town
Towards a public house much closer to the ‘Ground.

When traipsing through the streets they came upon a shop
That sold a range of pastries – freshly baked and piping hot,
And from the many fillings the choice that Tosh did make
Was filled with juicy marmalade and chunks of peppered steak.

They made their way to Hooters for another pint or three
Where fit and buxom bar girls are dressed so scantily,
They saw some wide eyed men gawking without shame
And they listened to the women say ‘We’ll not come here again’.

Then off to Meadow Lane, their bellies full of beer,
Going through the turnstiles, they heard a mighty cheer,
They didn’t know it then, the reason for that roar,
But found out to their joy the ‘Lads were first to score.

It was entertaining stuff on a sun drenched Meadow Lane
With three points to the ‘Lads from a fast and open game,
And ‘though our Bede and Tosh had eaten little food
They, like other Valiants, were in a super mood.

Another scoop or two before they met the train
To chat about those saves made by Jonnie Brain
Plus the goals scored by Brooker and canny Stu McPhee
That helped the ‘Boys from Burslem’ take the victory.

Arriving back in Longport, their throats a little dry,
They headed for the Railway a beer or two to try,
Their journey home by train a marathon had been
And it was ninety minutes since last a beer they’d seen.

Next stop the Jolly Carter – a Middleport address,
To grab another scoop, to empty clogs – ah bless,
And then it was the Huntsman; it’s ten o’clock at night!
The hunger growing stronger, no longer could they fight.

It was Bede who said to Tosh ‘A curry is our need,
My stomach’s feeling empty and I’m desperate for a feed,
So let’s go down to Moguls, I’ve heard that they are ‘Great,
‘Cause all we’ve had today is a pastry filled with steak’.

After fifteen scoops of beer, according to our Tosh,
The timing was just right to grab a plate of nosh,
Chillies, ginger, garlic, and lots of spicy soup,
Plus other Indian dishes and, of course, another scoop.

They’re sitting in Great Moguls; it’s the closing of the day,
But the curry dish he wanted he simply could not say,
So with a shaky hand, a slight nod of his head,
He lifted up the menu and pointed it instead.

All in all a great day, a great day out indeed,
The best so far this season for Tosh and Uncle Bede,
And plans are well in hand to do it all again,
To travel with the ‘Lads, and travel there by train.

Barry Edge
Western Australia
April 25, 2004


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