Blow Your 'Alls Off

Exiled Valiant Barry Edge lives in Perth, Western Australia and is a regular columnist for onevalefan.

Not so long ago a Stoke City lad and a Port Vale girl went on a date. Suffice it to say they will not be dating again. It seems the lad’s style of courting didn’t impress the Burslem girl, and from the various onevalefan MB posts between the two it would appear the young lady has some cause to be aggrieved…

Enter MikR, a true blue Valiant, to offer his version of savoir-faire towards promoting a promising courtship from the first sip to cheeky end.

Blow Your ‘Alls Off

It started when our MikR, a regular onevalefan,
Had goaded William Seventy-five, of the Stokie clan,
By saying he was far too scared to post and have his say
On Robbie Fielding’s message board, that the Oatcake was his way,
But a defiant Will was out to show that he was made of sterner stuff
And left a message in reply, thereby calling MikR’s bluff.

Now Old Grey Man, who also hails from the Castle Brit,
Told his mate ‘leave MikR be, he really isn’t worth it’,
Then changed the subject, if you please, no beg your pardon here,
And asked the question, cheeky tease, he really has no fear,
Do I stand a chance to score a date with the lovely Burslem Babe?
But with a ‘No’ from the lovely lass his hopes did quickly fade.

The story of our Burslem Babe and a boy from Trentham Town
is a classic in the making that one day may be known,
But a pensive William Seventy-five reminded Old Grey Man
That he would need far better wheels than just a tin can van
If he was keen to avoid the snub of a girl who’s really swish
Who likes to dine on finer fare, and not just ‘sausage and chips’.

This is where our MikR, in a message for all to see,
Reveals his inner thoughts and personal recipe
Of how to treat a lady should you wish to stand a chance
For strengthening your chances of a longer term romance,
His approach is one of charm, as it is simplicity,
That anyone can try, even lads like you and me.

MikR says that he plans well to win his heart’s desire,
From the way he combs his hair to the style of his attire,
And the first time that they meet he knows just what to say
As a red rose he presents to steal her heart away,
And not for him a diesel van that smells of tools of trade
But a car that’s washed and polished and fit for a motorcade.

To set the scene he’ll suggest a drink at a pub that he knows well,
It’s straight to the point, no messing about, as he weaves his magic spell,
And the nectar that he’ll buy will cost a tidy sum
To start the evening rolling before the food and the fun,
So that when the stars are shining in the northern skies
He’ll be whispering sweet nothings as he looks into her eyes.

First stop is the ‘William where MikR wil nod and wink
At the barkeep and ‘Mine Host’ as he buys his girl a drink,
Then other patrons in the pub will extend a knowing smile
Whilst giving mute approval that they really like his style,
Then one of them will ask ‘is your date a local lass?’
And when confirmed they’ll all agree that she is ‘quality tash’.

Ten pints of best and mild, no whisky, rum or gin,
Will do the trick just nicely, will do the trick for him,
And for his lovely lady he’ll buy those halves of Harp
Followed by Bicardi Breezers to win her mind and heart,
And when the evening shadows fall, the streetlights shining bright,
It’s time to leave the ‘William and head into the night.

By now they’re feeling hungry, a restaurant is their need,
And MikR knows just the place to get a slap-up feed,
A romantic meal in Kismits, just down the road it seems,
For tempting curry dishes and the best of Indian cuisine,
Such as chillies, ginger, garlic and spices freshly dried
That will set their mouths on fire, and bring tears to their eyes.

With the repast done and dusted, they’ll go for a midnight walk
Through the ancient glades of Fegg Hayes, to cuddle and to talk,
But Aspins cautions MikR ‘Should your luck be truly in,
Avoid those confined bedrooms, for that would be a sin,
And the best advice to give you is open windows you must keep
To avoid those noxious gases from inducing permanent sleep’.

From William Seventy-Five it’s ‘MikR please beware
Because the effects of all that drinking and top notch Indian fare
Is enough to blow your ‘alls off, so be a decent bloke
And keep away from cigarettes or you’ll both go up in smoke’,
But MikR says ‘It’s hypothetical, so please don’t fuss and worry
About our bodily functions after a night of booze and curry’.

Barry Edge
Perth, Western Australia
August 20, 2002


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