Jump to content

  • OVF player sponsorship 2022

    £10 to enter. More details and a link to donate can be found here

Joke thread


Jacko51

Recommended Posts

48 minutes ago, Gungho_ED said:

I'm missing football so much during this lock down, i've now started dividing my day into 2 halves.

First half Caffeine. Second half Alcohol.

There are no other rules.

 

Irish coffee at half time?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Advert:


1 hour ago, Gungho_ED said:

I'm missing football so much during this lock down, i've now started dividing my day into 2 halves.

First half Caffeine. Second half Alcohol.

There are no other rules.

 

I pretend I'm a player/manager. I quite often pull myself off at half time. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, Playa Amodores said:

The wife and I were sitting at home and I kept flicking the tv channel over.

snooker,

porn,

snooker,

porn,

snooker,

porn, 

snooker,

When she shouted, just leave the bloody porn on, you know how to play snooker

It's Davis. He's got the choice. Pink or brown.  He's going for the brown.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Advert:


18 minutes ago, Gungho_ED said:

Since being in isolation, i've heard my Polish neighbours having sex everyday.

It isn't easy. 

I have to turn the telly right down and unplug the fridge

They are most making golabki on the table.... the bed.... the floor..... on top of the wardrobe

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Guy goes down the canteen, opens his butty box and takes a bite out of his butty, WTF, yuck, yuck he shouted. He calls his wife and asks, "What's on the sandwiches dearest",  "Crab paste" comes the reply, "Where did you get it from", "The chemist" came the answer.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Advert:


An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” asked the man.

“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.” So the man goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”

“Liverpool,” replies the Memory Man.

“Who did they beat?”

“Leeds,” was the reply.

“And the score?”

“2-1.”

“Who scored the winning goal?”

“Ian St. John,” was the old man’s reply.

The tourist was bowled over by this and told everyone back home in England about the Memory Man when he returned.

A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. 

Because he was so impressed, man decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting “How”.

The Memory Man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Tramp finds a pair of trainers. Bumps into a prostitute. And offers the trainers in return for sex. She says "okay, but you won't get any passion for that". "Okay" he says.

But then she spreads her legs. Moaning and groaning. "I thought I got no passion" says he.

They don't ucking  fit said the good lady.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Advert:


An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.

The Italian said:

"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin Olive oil.

Then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman said:

"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special Aphrodisiac oil from Provence and

then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Aussie said:

That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, all over her body with a special butter.

I caressed her entire body with the butter and then made love and I made her scream for two

long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? ......Wow!

That's phenomenal. How did you do it, to make her scream for two hours?"

 

The Aussie replied, "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

 

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee (n): The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj): Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate (v): To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v): To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, (adj): Impotent.

6. Negligent, (adj): Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown

7. Lymph, (v): To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n): Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n): Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n): A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n): A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n): The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n): A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n): A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n): The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n): An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Test Results

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Sanderson, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanderson, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanderson arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanderson asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanderson.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The MEDICARE Help Desk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Reporting Posts and Ignoring Users

    • Admin don't read everything. Don't assume we'll spot rule breaking. Please report posts and we'll act ASAP. If you're logged in use the orange report post button. If you're not logged in, please - Contact us here
    • If you can't get on with another user you can "ignore" them. Follow the link, type in their username and save - Click here
    • Check with admin if you wish to sell/auction any items. We're happy to support good causes but check first - Contact us here
  • Friends of OVF



×
×
  • Create New...