Joke thread

[geoff1]

my friend was an avid trainspotter, he wanted to be run over by a steam train.- when it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

[For Us All]

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know but the flag is a big plus.

[geoff1]

19 hours ago, For Us All said:

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know but the flag is a big plus.

the way out!

[OLDNorfolk Enclue]

Special anniversary for me today. I used to be addicted to swimming, but now I've been dry for six years.

 

 

 

 

[OLDNorfolk Enclue]

I hope that we can travel more normally next year. In 2019 I was lucky enough to visit Jerusalem and had a day that I'll never forget at the Wailing Wall. Although I did feel a bit of a Burk standing there with my harpoon. 

[geosname]

Not a joke but funny

[geoff1]

i saw a busker playing dancing queen on a diggerido- i thought "thats ABBArigional!🤗

[geosname]

A MOVING VIOLATION...

 

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

 

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.  The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.   When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

 

The officer says,  "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

 

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

 

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;  "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?”

 

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

 

Lawyer:"Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

 

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

 

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

 

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

 

"Aggressive and hostile?"

 

"Yes, Sir.

 

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

 

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

[geosname]

David Beckham gets into a taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror.

 

After about 5 minutes the driver says

 

"OK give me a clue"

 

Beckham says

 

"I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America

 

and got over a100 caps for England,

 

is that enough?" 

 

 

Driver says "No you thick git, where do you want to go?"

[geosname]

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look
all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born
just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."

[geosname]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal
car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to
wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up,
they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone
has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and
waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting,
they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a
divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking
somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in
Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced
with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the
frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months
to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a
lawyer?"  

[geoff1]

On 16/12/2020 at 12:55, geoff1 said:

the way out!

the wifes upset, ive just put the vacumn cleaner on e bay. it was only in the corner gathering dust!

[Jacko51]

BREAKING NEWS:
The whole of Cornwall has been placed into tier 4 lockdown after hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance to celebrate Christmas with their families. 

Apparently the Arrrrr rate has increased dramatically.

[geoff1]

a turkey challanged me to a fight- he threw down a giblet.  merry xmas valiants😄

[geosname]