In the first of a new series, our seasoned reporter Paddock Alf gives his verdict on Port Vale’s draw with Brentford… all in the Potteries dialect.
Paddock Alf writes…
Popey with is bandeege on is arm passed the bow to Tomleen who tapped eet to Dougie Loft who went for kick eet at gool….
Fost match of saisun and fost report from thay ‘on the bow’ reporter, Paddock Alf! Thay’ll after bear with may, arm new at this lark, but ear way goo. Bad start, mind, as way gorrin the grind fayve mineets leet due to the queue for the new tickeet system – worra pain that was! Anywee, met up with me mate Sludgebuckeet and way meed our wee in to the Paddock.
Sludgebuckeet was rayt up for eet – gorrimself a new shirt and everytheen. Ah towd him ayd singed back of eet but ay reckoned eet was a posh transfer of Boslem.
Moanin Mick who sits behind may reckoned Brentfud ad owready ad tow or thray corners in fost thray mineets. That lad from Crewe, Donaldson, had a good toe-ender but the bow went over the bar. Way chayred as eet went to the back of Bycars.
Way ad a bit of plee, then Brentfud ad a bit of plee, and then Mary-Williams, as Moanin Mick calls him, fell over in the penalty area. ‘Penalty’ shouts Sludge and a lorra other folk. But referay gave nowt.
Wudst belayve eet, tow mineets leeter Mary goos dine again but referay weeves his hands and gives us a corner! I thowt Sludgebucket was gooin to loose his fowse taith, ay shouted that loud! Ast guessed worrappened with the corner. Aah, theyt rayt, eet came to nowt.
Tow mineets leeter and Dougie Loft lets his mon, Logan, past eem and the Brentfud pleeyer comes in from the rayt and wallops the bow past Nail for a gool. 1 – 0. Moanin Mick started his whingeen and Sludge towd him to shurrup.
Nowt much appened for a bit and then Popey with is bandeege on is arm passed the bow to Tomleen who tapped eet to Dougie Loft who went for kick eet at gool. The bow bounced back at eem so he went for hit eet again and scored!! Whoop, whoop! 1 – 1. ‘Way score when way wa-a-ant, way score when way wa-a-ant , way are Port Vale, way score when way want’
it was a crackeen game. Sludgebucket gorris flask out with his lobby. Ay fished sum dry bread out of his pockeet to dip in…
A few more corners and it was ayf tarm. Soon went – it was a crackeen game. Sludgebucket gorris flask out with his lobby. Ay fished sum dry bread out of his pockeet to dip in. Moanin Mick was towkin tactics. Ay oways does.
Brentfud naily scored at the start of second ayf. Donaldson again but way got the bow off eem.
Then owd tup, Chris Lines ad a good fray kick that went ayf a yard wade of the goolpost. Brentfud were gerrin on top soo Grizzly Adams brought Hugsy and Mohamed on and took off Tomleen and Mary-Williams. Didn’t change much – Brentfud still were best taym and naily scored just after!
Way rode our luck a lot and way were glad to say only thray mineets extra tarm. Doddsy came on, Dougie Loft went off but daft sod Doddsy got booked for kickin the bow from the keepers hands. At layst, that’s what way thowt eet was. Way ad a corner in extra tarm. ‘Watch Popey score!’ said Sludgebuckeet. Ast guessed worrappened with the corner. Aah, theyt rayt, eet came to nowt. Referay blowed his whistle for full tarm.
Eet was a good game against a good taym.
Say thay up the Vale.