In the first of a new series, our seasoned reporter Paddock Alf gives his verdict on Port Vale’s win over Bradford City… all in the Potteries dialect.
Paddock Alf writes…
The bloke what plees the music pleed a raily long version of Glad Ow Over – I think he conna find the stop button at tarms, lark…..
Ow at? At owrate, duck?
Second report from thar reporter, Alf. Turned up at the grind a bir early this week cos of the problems with tickeet office but may and Sludge got street in. Well, once security ad checked Sludge’s lobby flask way got street in.
Bradfud had brought abite a thiseand fans though it owways looks like mower to may.
The Vale started on the back foot with Bradfud gerrin a corner after abite fower mineets. Robbo and Dicko dayfend well, thee knowst, so we wonna too worried and soon the Vale were on the attack. Abite ayf wee through fost ayf, Popey ad a couple of yedders on gool but ay missed em. Good chancees thee were. Ay nayds ter gerris scoring yed back on eem. And his fayt.
Fost ayf, ah think Nail in gool had gorris shoes on his wrong fayt as ay couldna kick nowt. Yatesy was pleeing well but ay too was passing to Bradfud mower than the Vale.
Hugsy ad a greet shot on gool but their goolie saved eet. Mohamed follered up but kicked eet street at the goolie. Way wus pleeing well.
Arind abite ayf tarm, one of the Bradfud pleers did a bad back pass and Hugsy picked up on eet, and maneeged to send eet past the kayper and a couple of dayfenders. 1– 0 to Vale. The bloke what plees the music pleed a raily long version of Glad Ow Over – I think he conna find the stop button at tarms, lark.
Ayf tarm and Moanin Mick was pretty quiet cos way were winning. Ay moaned a bit abite Mohamed. “Ay kayps runneen up a blind alley” ay sest. “What, a bit like a Mohamed Alley?” I sed.
Way laughed, but not much.
I fergot to tell thee, the ‘Every Bloody Tarm, Ref’ bloke was in. Ay sits a few rows behind Moanin Mick and he goos very red and shouts every fower or fayve mineets, ‘Every Bloody Tarm, Ref’.
Sludgebuckeet let may ave a bit of is lobby this wick. I naily choked on one of the pays – it was ard as a bulleet. I dinna see nowt as I dinna want to sneep him.
Secund ayf and Bradfud were well on top with Nail meeking some greet saves…
Secund ayf and Bradfud were well on top with Nail meeking some greet saves. After abite a quayter of an hour, they ad a shot and Nail cunna owd onto eet. That bloke with the daft name, Nahki Wells knocked the rebind past Nail. 1 – 1. Bradfud fans saymed playsed. Way wonna.
Eet wonna long, though, bayfower way wus back in front – perraps thray mineets. Robbo’s long throw got kicked ite for a corner. From the corner, Hugsy picked up on the bow, and passed eet ter Lofty who ammered eet past the kayper, after it binced off one of their lads. 2–1 to the Vale, and a shorter version of Glad Ow Over.
It was lark thee Alamo fer the rest of the match but way held on. The ‘Every Bloody Tarm, Ref’ bloke went inter overdrive. Hugsy was subbed fer Doddsy just bayfower full tarm and Griff went on for Mary Williams in addeed tarm. Bradfud must’ve ad fower or faive corners but the lads dayfended well for a fost win of the saysun.
Say thay up the Vale.